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Exorcizing Personal Demons

I thought maybe if I wrote this down I'd feel better and maybe folks would get where I am coming from.


        WARNING adult concepts while not graphic very disturbing     





He lied.

He said he knew what he was doing.

He said he cared.

He said that there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to.

He lied.


It was a nightmare.

I prayed I'd wake up and find that I was just sick or something.

It was painful,

So searingly painful.

It was degrading.      

I did not want to be there with him,

not like that. 

I wanted him to stop.

He said that there was something wrong with me.

I tried to go elsewhere in my mind but instead I was assaulted by memories, fragments of memories, horrible memories, of being forced, face down in the dirt and violated, like I was being violated then.

When it was finally over, with him, he acted like nothing was wrong, like I should have enjoyed it.  Like it was my fault.  I was still in agony and I was also bleeding from what he'd done to me.  He still acted like it was nothing.  He'd destroyed me, shredded me body and spirit and it was nothing to him.  He's gone, been gone 8 years now, and I still haven't healed.  I wish I could forget.  I wish the pain would stay away.  I wish that other things didn't draw me back to this dark place.  The nightmare may be over but I still cannot escape.  I don't know if I'll ever be free.


        And yes, I really lived through that and still have to deal with the reprecussions.   Putting it all down does help a bit. And this is why I can't deal with Claude related slash.  I have to relive this any time I see that stuff.



( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 4th, 2008 03:43 pm (UTC)
Nov. 4th, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
Nov. 4th, 2008 03:49 pm (UTC)
The fact that you put that down indicates some healing. Getting it out of yourself. That's a good step to take.

Nov. 6th, 2008 02:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks. And it took me until today to bring myself to add the specific tag as to what was done to me. While I know some enjoy that sort of thing, it should be something that is consensual and not coerced. The article above is why certain things freak me out, make me shut down, even if it's only fic and even if the fic has things as being loving. After what I went through, I just can't see things that way even if they are written that way.
Nov. 6th, 2008 04:10 pm (UTC)
*snugs* And you didn't even had to add those, but if you felt that you had to...*nod* And some people are sick. I think in many cases, the fic that depicts similar acts, the writers haven't been through that themselves, so they have no idea how it'll affect people who have.
Nov. 6th, 2008 04:20 am (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that. :/

One of my close friends was sexually abused by her father as a child and was raped by a friend as a teenager. It's horrible.
Nov. 6th, 2008 02:05 pm (UTC)
No one should ever have to go through that in any form. And the "He" was my eX boyfriend. I'm glad he's gone.
Apr. 5th, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
I'll do what I can to help. For the record, the slash involvin' me that shows up in fic an' role play bothers me as well but for a different reason; because it's not true an' I'm sick o' seein' it.
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 7th, 2010 05:00 am (UTC)
Thank you.
Apr. 7th, 2010 05:01 am (UTC)
Thank you.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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