Tracey Loves Castiel (bigbadwolfeboro) wrote,
Tracey Loves Castiel
bigbadwolfeboro

Exorcizing Personal Demons

I thought maybe if I wrote this down I'd feel better and maybe folks would get where I am coming from.





   

        WARNING adult concepts while not graphic very disturbing     

 

 

 

 

He lied.

He said he knew what he was doing.

He said he cared.

He said that there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to.

He lied.

 

It was a nightmare.

I prayed I'd wake up and find that I was just sick or something.

It was painful,

So searingly painful.

It was degrading.      

I did not want to be there with him,

not like that. 

I wanted him to stop.

He said that there was something wrong with me.

I tried to go elsewhere in my mind but instead I was assaulted by memories, fragments of memories, horrible memories, of being forced, face down in the dirt and violated, like I was being violated then.

When it was finally over, with him, he acted like nothing was wrong, like I should have enjoyed it.  Like it was my fault.  I was still in agony and I was also bleeding from what he'd done to me.  He still acted like it was nothing.  He'd destroyed me, shredded me body and spirit and it was nothing to him.  He's gone, been gone 8 years now, and I still haven't healed.  I wish I could forget.  I wish the pain would stay away.  I wish that other things didn't draw me back to this dark place.  The nightmare may be over but I still cannot escape.  I don't know if I'll ever be free.

 

        And yes, I really lived through that and still have to deal with the reprecussions.   Putting it all down does help a bit. And this is why I can't deal with Claude related slash.  I have to relive this any time I see that stuff.

        
           .
Tags: me, rl, sexual assault, slash, sodomy
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