I think I've figured it out (not for the squeemish)

I think I've finally figured out why I was getting uncomfortable.  It has to do with some rather unpleasant things that have happened to me.  Y'know, I was just remembering, rather fondly, one slash ship I never minded, Tara/Willow.  Now while I realise guys need love too, I began to wonder why a certain  pair of guy/guy ships were bugging me so much, and not even all guy/guy ships either.  Without getting too deep into detail that none of you probably want, while I was reading someone's Plaude story, it occurred to me what bothered me.  See, other than say a 69, there's only one way I know for a male slash to dance...  Let me just say I have some rather painful and degrading memories of same, and while I know that there are those who enjoy such things, I am not one, nor do I think I ever will be able to.  I had a rather careless, demanding, and selfish partner in the past.  I had made a comment in another entry here about "Why can't I just pretend I'm Peter"  when reading a Plaude fic, since of all the characters, Peter is the closest to being me in real life any way (despite that he's a guy). So I read and tried to do just that.  Meaning no disrespect to any of you writers out there, I think you are very talented individuals, but having been the recipient of such... treatment in the past, regardless of how much (or well) it is described as otherwise, I cannot imagine such an encounter as anything but painful.  I'd rather die a thousand painful deaths than be subjected to undergoing that again, myself. So this is probably why I cringe when I read about a character I'm playing/pretending-to-be-just-while-I-read/ wanting-to-dance-with going thru this. I dunno, maybe if the Haitian could come over here and erase that, it wouldn't bother me.


update: 9/16/07- It's a bit more complicated than what I posted above.  I realized that after a lengthy conversation in another thread later on in this journal.  More so than Peter, I  identify more with Claude.  The more "Plaude" I see out there, the more upset I am becoming.  For more details see this entry and the subsequent conversation thread.